My Little Atesot Dream

Ascension. ( By Maxwell)

2009-07-31T02:31:00.000-07:00

She’s back!

Since I’m the man (you know, Bigger n Stronger), I have to try and contain my excitement but as soon as she floats through my doorway, I lose it!!!.. Who cares how head over heels this now makes me seem? I’ve missed my girl!... It’s gotten to the point where I cant tell if she’s been gone 5 days or 12 years or 2 months or 2 lifetimes… The concept of time doesn’t apply because all I feel when she’s away are varied degrees of longing and desire.

She hands me my gift.

Should I be worried that she knows how big a kid I am and that returning from a trip with a gift is an ABSOLUTE with me? I put that aside for future contemplation… Oh!... she’s saying something… Something about her trip… Wow!.. Has she been recounting her trip to me all this time?.. Something, something… protocol… look at her pretty little mouth making a pretty little smile… I’m lost… but all I know is she’s mapping her space on this planet. I wonder sometimes if she gets how important the job she’s doing today is to the kids of tomorrow… She’s changing the world they’re gonna be a part of but I cant tell her that cos it’ll go straight to her head so I have her reiterate how much she’s missed me.

She really HAS.

And that’s still mind-blowing to me, that she even likes me. I cant express how gratifying it is to be totally in love with someone who’s just as totally in love with you. I just want… I want to kiss her… so I do… playfully as always because I don’t have to pretend about who I am with her. Then we fight a bit, over stuff I’m usually right about but her arguments just seem so much more sound!.. And I hold her and she sketches on me and we soak each other in and every now and then, I catch her staring into the distance and she does this thing each time she notices my glance where she smiles at me, runs her gentle caress across my leg or shoulder to distract me and I play along but cant help wondering where she goes in her mind….

We exchange knowing looks.

I shut my store for the night and we head home. En route, I babble on about picking up some ice cream or our favorite chocolate chips cookies but there is a deeper urge flowing beneath our cool exteriors. The talk is more of a private joke between us and I realise I’ve missed her most especially because she’s who I share these jokes with… Which is not to say that the other people around me are humorless but simply that I don’t care nearly as much about making any of them smile as I do her.

The door’s barely closed behind us when we start stripping each other’s clothes off. The first kiss is deep and warm, firm and reaffirming. The pulsating body in my hands versus the cool night air behind us… the room is spinning, the darkness engulfing, the passion unbearable… No words are spoken, just self ridiculing giggles at our own inexplicable urgencies… I sneak my hand to the remote control and turn up the volume… I don’t care whats on the tube tonight… Past occasion has taught me to camoflouge our own audibility… She yanks me back into position, towards her succulent neck and as I linger around her juicy collar bone, my warm breath causes her entire body to shudder beneath me…

Then I bite…

What I think happens is that we start out making love but that quickly devolves into some primal Hot ‘n Nasty where we both strive to breach our inner limits… No tired or hungry or cautious here… None of that exists anymore… No one else, NOTHING outside of ourselves exists anymore… just my touch, only her kiss… stripped down to basic, we are bliss… for every bite, there’s a scratch…with every squeeze, a scream, a push, a give, a stroke, caress, embrace, tug, pull, moan, yearn, groan, hot breath, hot sweat, nails dig into skin, upside down, wild, uncontrollable surrender… Weeks of longing and yearning and wishing and wondering culminate in this one night…

She is my Ascension.

Later, we collapse into a steaming sweaty pile of limbs and as we lay there, naked in each other’s arms, counting the stars in my blanket, laughing, playing, thumb wrestling, there is no safer place in the entire world. She whispers how she wishes we could lay here forever, in this secret sanctuary only we know about and her words tug at my heart. I often wish the same… Our Nation of Two.

We bask in the afterglow…

My words are shameless of how in love with her I am, hers reveal her well-concealed vulnerabilities. In many ways, this relationship is still new to both of us which is what keeps us grasping onto that last bit of protective wall that still stands between us. I wonder if these moments will one day come to be known as “the good old days”… The mere possibility of that unsettles me to the point that I have to sing to her to calm my nerves. Sometimes it’s hard to see passed the things we cant let go of which is why it’s so scary to completely let go of yourself for someone else. There are just so many unforeseeable-

She plants a soft, warm kiss on the bottom of my chin, drawing me back into our room.

Look at her tiny eyes… Are these the tiny eyes meant to bring me back from the edge? It feels like it’s no longer a question of “could she be the one?” but more of “how could she NOT be?”.. Wait… what am I saying?... I don’t believe in that stuff anymore… And even if I did, we’re not… we’re… and even if we were… it’s never done me any good to look that far into the future… I just wonder sometimes… But this is now… This is what it is NOW… A safe haven… A blissful refuge for the two of us… I’m not worried about us here… It’s out THERE where the challenges await us…

Not in here.

Not right now.

La la mutoto…

La la.

"Everybody Hurts" -REM

2009-05-31T01:48:00.000-07:00

Its our anniversary.

Well she sounds down this morning so i come up with this silly idea to just make it our anniversary today! She's in, which is a lot of what i love about Cush... that she's just down for stuff whether or not it makes any sense. I think on some cosmic level we connect because we both understand that this life, this moment is all we have for sure.

When she's sad, i'll be honest: it feels like an icy winter has invaded my being.

And i never seem to have any clue what i can do for her. My first instinct is to whip out a cane and tail coat and just break into song and dance like in those 50's movies none of us ever really watched! But i'm not sure even THAT would work. Its like being homeless and having amnesia at the same time because you're not really homeless, you just can't recall how to get to where you belong. You see, at some point you realise that the life you had envisioned and the road you have before you have gone in 2 seperate directions and if you're not strong enough, that could easily break you spirit.

Wait...

Something's happening with my computer! I'm getting error message after error... wait... what the FUCK?!! My hard drive goes and crashes on me! Now? Seriously?!! As if this hasnt already been a month of George Bush Jr. era type catastrophes!!Fuckin NOW??! Cant i just catch a break already? Feels like i'm in the centre of a storm, head barely above the water, sharks menacingly circling around me (and by sharks i mean 2 VERY undecided customers asking endless questions at the store), computer guy on the phone just trying to keep it all together when who walks in the door?

Cush.

SHIT!! I've completely lost track of time and forgotten about the whole anniversary thing amidst the crisis on my hands. I mean... FUCK!! I'm swearing alot today... Does she see my distress?... I cant tell so i try and play it cools but i'm totally failing. She sees right through me and because she is the caring soul that she is, her mind goes into overdrive trying to make me feel better WITHOUT actually showing it and there's no way for me to tell her...

No way to say, without hurting her in some way, that its nothing she can do.

Not because of anything she lacks or needs to change but simply cos right now i need to feel like crap. I NEED to be down and moody, just for a little bit, so i can find it within me to just pick myself up and get my shit together. Kinda like a puppy in the rain. If you let that shit stay buried and unused, it forms a toxin that'll consume your soul from the inside and next thing you know, you're lashing out at the people who care about you. I NEED to soak in the misery so i can burn it all up and move on but she has no way of knowing that and i cant find the words to tell her.

So i push her away from me.

I conjure up some lame excuse and insist that i have to go home, things to take care of, need some rest. I make the mistake of catching her gaze and the blankness... the weariness that veils her noramlly youthful face is just heart breaking. WHY cant i just tell her? Why cant i just clasp her hands in mine, draw her closer to me and tell her that she is all that i need in this world to find who i am and see clearer than ever who i hope to become.

Why cant i just tell her i love her?

We dont hug tonight; barely say goodbye. Instead i walk away from her trying not to think of how helpless she must feel, so much so that she's forgotten the disappointment of the anniversary spectacle i promised her. I'm sick to the stomach with my pride, my fear, my uncertainty of tomorrow that holds me back from letting myself need her, need to hold onto her. Later i'll convince myself that i merely didnt want to share my burden but right now... Right now i KNOW that i simply counldnt allow myself to be vulnerable infornt of her. Couldnt let her see how broken i am, how tired, how scared. Through the good times and bad times... Isn't that how its meant to be?

I love her... so why wont i let her in?

As i languidly strip my clothes off my cursed body, just tossing them onto my cold floor, i land on her anniversary goft for me and wonder if she'll even remotely like mine. She'll say she does and give me a plausible reason for it but i can never know for sure. I unwrap my gift. Its a Spanish phrasebook and a Crossword Puzzle dictionary.

I smile for the first time all day.

And then i remember how cold i was to her earlier and think of how much i love this gift because it actually MEANS something... Because i know she's the ONLY person in the world who knows me enough right now to understand how much i'd appreciate and adore these 2 books more than any other thing imaginable. Only she. Only her.

I cry for the first time since i was 12. I dont sob, there's no tears. But i can feel that wrenching of the heart that tugs all the way up to your throat and i know i'm wrong. If i'm gonna love someone, if i'm going to put them in the position to love me, i cant afford NOT to let them in, NOT to be weak. I gotta reveal who i truly am and see if she has it in her to stay. I've been being wrong and i need to do better.

Need to be better to her.

For her.

For us.

"The Trapeze Swinger" -Iron & Wine

2009-05-21T03:01:00.001-07:00

She’s in the papers today!!

Stupid text has me cussing at my phone at 8.42 a.m. until I read the excited announcement of her latest triumph and just smile for a whole 3 minutes in silence picturing her tiny eyes lighting up, her tiny heart fluttering on full speed… My Lady. What always gets me about my young but exceedingly accomplished girlfriend is how surprised she always is by her own latest achievement! She’s always shocked by it like she didn’t just work her ass off to get it done… Like it’s a lottery she just won. I picture her pacing about, unable to sit down cos she’s so excited and it warms me up to think of her I just wanna call her up and hear the elation in her voice.

She’s been accepted into Law School on the government’s bank.

This calls for some Don Juan meets Casanova grand romantic gesture that celebrates her awesomeness. An expensive dinner for 2 in a Lebanese restaurant wont do (not that Cush wouldn’t appreciate a delectable meal!). I need to shake this morning fatigue off. Brrrrr… I can never get used to that first drop of ice cold hell-freeze in the morning shower. What if I whisked her away to that funny name hotel we’re always joking about for the weekend?... Dang… How would we even begin to pull that off? Gotta get some breakfast in me and then I’m gonna come up with a master plan thats gonna bring tears to Cush’s eyes! Just gotta get to the store and get fed and as soon as I’m done with that I’m gonna figure out a supreme scheme to sweep her off her… oooh… season 1 of 30 Rock…

SHIT! It 4.15 pm!!!

Where did the hours between 11.15 a.m. and now disappear to? Damn!! She sends me a text to let me know she just got out the taxi and will be here in 5 minutes! Dammit! I mean, not “dammit” but um… damn 30 Rock is funny! Meanwhile my dear girl, my Queen approaches most certainly still aglow with all the deserved praise she’s been getting for having her name in print and I, her overgrown man-boy of a companion have nothing to adulate her with! Not even a corny plastic rose.

(Is “adulate” an actual word? Discuss…)

Then an angel floats through my doorway.

So beautiful. Of course you think I’m biased but I wish you could see her aura and know why the sunshine savours its stay upon her cheek, washing away the fatigue of a hard day’s work. Wish you could know her smile when she sees me and how that smile is just for me, a smile that blossoms flowers and turns my heart into a barefoot child. And in that instant I know that I must give her the world not because she demands it but because she deserves it.
The skyline of a night on the town in a city that never sleeps or a diamond-encrusted bracelet to be handed down for generations.

Or a dolphin. I should give her a live dolphin.

Later on, she wraps herself into my chest and says she can hear my heart beating but her warm sigh on my neck carries a hint of sadness. A melancholy of that not yet experienced. She doesn’t want to be a lawyer. One of the first dreams we ever talked about was her becoming the next tough as nails, war-crusading journalist a la Christiane Amanpour and we both knew from her natural feistiness that she’d have the guts to seek out the truth at all costs and broadcast it to the world. I want to tell her now that that same feisty nature is what suits her to being a lawyer but I get the feeling she just needs me to listen to her right now and not try to solve anything.

Just listen.

I can empathise with her situation but I cant say I understand it. You see, the Law degree is merely a compromise she’s had to make with her mother who had always wanted Cush to do some big time accounting course (A.C.C.A.) but settled for Law which was deemed to be more viable than a career in Mass Communication. That I can understand. It’s a mother’s duty to look out for her daughter even when it might mean treading on her dreams. But this is her life, her LIFE and if she goes down one road just because that’s where someone’s pointed to, she’s gonna hold that person accountable for every bad thing she counters down that road. HER life, her responsibility. But now’s not the time to point it out.

Just listen.

She folds her conflicted body deeper into my embrace, looks softly up at me, half smiling, half crying, her left hand fiddling with a sparkling new bracelet on her right arm. She recounts a touching moment as it occurred earlier today, that special memory of her usually reserved mother letting her guard down and beaming with pride at Cush’s achievement, presenting her with that very sparkling bracelet and as her tiny body shudders quietly in mine, I begin to understand why sometimes a Wonder Woman has to simply be her mother’s daughter. One is only a daughter because of her mother even when that relationship is at its most inconvenient. Her life, yes, but their shared history and the hope of a common future. Compromise.

I begin to understand.

So she will be a lawyer and she’ll be great at it. Its in her nature. Hell I’ve known her to pick fights with anyone from boda boda kings to take away guys to news paper vendors… all in the pursuit of justice. Oh she’ll be a great one and I’ll ride in the side car as long as there’s room for me. Because I know this girl even if I don’t know everything about her. I look at her and I know how she feels in my arms. I close my eyes and hear her laughing at herself or my silliness. She will pursue her law degree but I will remain in the pursuit of understanding her, both equally complex. For now, all we have is this embrace and it does just fine.

That and the rest of 30 Rock. (… I effin LOVE that show!!)